Committed

Hello. My name is Gina and I have an "incompetent cervix." Yes, its really called that. Nice huh? Basically what that means is I am now considered a high risk pregnancy and could go into labor at any moment. Yea, you read that right. I'm back in the hospital and looks like I'm staying put for a while. It's been a rough week so let me fill you in.

Tuesday, April 7th
Rob and I went our ultrasound appointment as scheduled. It was a totally random appointment as I had already had one and wasn't due for another but I wanted to get a better photo of the cub. The last time he was face down and we never got to see his face. My doctor was nice enough to humor us and let us go again, noting that they could use a better heart reading anyway. So basically, it was a totally fluke that we had this appointment. Everything looked good, we saw the Cub flailing his little legs around, opening and closing his mouth like a guppy, gobbling up the fluid surrounding him. He looked right at the camera and gave us the priceless shot above. Right at the end of our appointment, the nurse said she was just going to give my cervix a quick measurement, totally routine. As she was performing the exam, she had a concerned look on her face, but said nothing. She continued and that look on her face didn't go away. She finally told us that my cervix appears to be short and it might be cause for concern, but she would call my Dr. and let her make the call. Apparently. at this stage, my cervix should measure about 5 cm, 3 at the minimum. Mine was coming in at 1.3 cm. This became cause for concern because the shorter the cervix is, the higher risk for early labor. I was shocked and scared and not sure what was going to happen. My Dr. called in and told me I needed to go straight to Labor and Delivery and stay overnight to make sure i wasn't having contractions. I couldn't believe this was happening! Rob and I where escorted up to the 5th floor and I was admitted for the night. The IV was jabbed into my hand and monitors hooked up to my belly. My mind was racing, still trying to understand. I was fine. I felt fine, the baby was healthy, we were all good. All except for my cervix. Rob slept in the room with me that night and comforted me when my fear would start to take over. Thank God for him.

The next day my Dr. came to visit me, She said I didn't have any contractions through the night so that was good. But, I was still high risk so she was ordering me to bed rest at home for the next 9 weeks. What? I'm sorry, could you repeat that? Apparently, I had to stay in a sitting or lying position until 36 weeks because too much movement could make my cervix weaker and bam! It's baby time. I couldn't believe it and was instantly panicked, but at least I was going to go home. All I wanted was to sleep in my own bed.

I was completely depressed and gutted and couldn't believe this was happening. There was too much to do! The baby's room still had boxes in it. I had to keep working full time, I didn't want to be a prisoner in my own home. There was no worse punishment for me at that moment. I was so enjoying cooking and cleaning and taking care or Rob and I, it was finally something that gave me joy and purpose and a sense of worth. I felt so happy to cook dinner every night and make sure he always had clean socks and work shirts. Now that was being taken away from me. Now I had to sit in bed while Rob worked all day then had to come home and make dinner, tidy up the house, feed the animals. How is that fair? It made me feel like a failure, like a lazy good for nothing. I wanted to be able to take care of him, spoil him, make him feel special and loved, and it was all being taken away from me. Yes, I understand these are completely selfish statements, but I was still in shock and reeling from all the news. We finally had a sense of normalcy, routine...and now it was all going away.

I had to suck it up and deal with the situation. I settled in for bed rest and made the necessary adjustments. I set everything up so I could work part time from home. I would alternate from lying or sitting in bed to sitting on the couch. I got up only to pee or get something to eat or drink from the kitchen. It was so much tougher then I had ever imagined. People kept telling me, wow you're lucky, I'd love to be in your position. Please hear me when I say, don't say that. It's frustrating to hear because feeling 100% ok but not being able to do anything sucks so much harder then you could ever imagine.

Monday, April 13th
I had been on bed rest for almost a week at this point but got to leave the house for a dr's appointment. She gave me a test to check the cervix and we listened to the Cubs heartbeat, strong and healthy as ever. I got weighed, total of 12 lbs gained so far. Everything looked fine. So far so good.

Tuesday, April 14th
I had a 3:30pm appointment for a consultation and cervix measurement at a fetal health specialist, just to make sure everything is staying put. No big deal. Got a call from my dr about 2:45 pm saying my test came back positive. I asked what that meant exactly and was told there is a 30% chance of giving birth in the next two weeks. What. The. Hell. 2 weeks? That can't be. It's way too early. No, this isn't happening. Make it stop! I was instructed to go to my appointment that afternoon and get my cervix measured and they will decide what to do at that point. I did as I was told and kept my fingers crossed. Rob held my hand as we saw the Cub on the screen, happy and bouncy as always. Next it was time to get measured. I held my breath and prayed for the best. The news wasn't good. My cervix had gotten smaller. Last week it was 1.3cm and now it was .9cm. I was inching closer and closer to having this baby way before it was time. I was ordered to go straight back to labor and delivery, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

So here I am. I have been put on strict hospital bed rest until I get to 30 weeks, at that point they will re evaluate and go from there. They are hopeful I can make it to 30 weeks. That's two weeks away. That means lying in a hospital bed and only getting up to pee. 14 days. Confined to a bed. In a hospital. But I have to do this for the Cub. It's too soon for him to come out. I have been given two steroid shots to get his lungs developing in case I give birth now. Ideally they want me to get to 30 weeks. 32 would be incredible. 36 would be a miracle.

I never thought it would be like this. Of course I just expected a normal pregnancy with a normal delivery at 40 weeks. I never thought I'd be having a preemie. I never thought I'd be worrying about having a baby at 28 weeks along. Never thought I would be confined to a bed for an extended amount of time. But I guess that's just part of the journey. There will be lots of unexpected things that come up. And that's ok. I think this one is just so tough because there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can't tell my cervix to stop shrinking. I can't tell the Cub to ease up and wait it out. I have to just sit here and hope to God that I can make it to at least 30 weeks. Oh, and did I mention trying to keep my sanity during that time? I guess it's never too soon to start making sacrifices for your child. And just as I imagine it will be when he is finally here, there is nothing I won't do to make sure he's ok.