My Whole World

My life began the day my baby was born. I felt such a sense of purpose and love, it surpassed anything else I had ever experienced. Every single day that I get to be his Mom is a joy and a privilege. He makes me laugh and makes me proud. I couldn't imagine my life without that sweet little smile and those tiny little hands. Seeing him grow up is such an honor. Dominic Marcus McCool, thank you for being my Son and my greatest accomplishemnt. I love you!

L.O.V.E.

The Good Life

Sometimes it’s easy to forget how good life really is. The days turn into weeks, months and before you know it, years. Things fall into a routine that is comfortable and natural to you. I realized today that life is good. I mean, I already knew that. But life is really, really good.

When I had my pregnancy scare a few weeks ago, I couldn’t help but think about how different our lives would be. Don’t get me wrong, we would happily welcome a new baby if that’s what was in the cards for us, but our life would without a doubt be harder. We are in a place in our lives that Dom (for the most part) sleeps through the night. He’s old enough to hang out in the living room for 20 minutes watching a movie while I make dinner or get dressed for work. We have a dog that used to be wildly hyper and has now mellowed out some. Dom is starting pre-school in January and we got to pick one that we liked best, not what we could afford. We have good food in the fridge. We have two cars that are reliable. We have the chance to do things together as a family and also apart. We are lucky enough to have friends and family that want to take Dom for the night so Rob and I can have some grown up time. We have electronic gadget's galore.. iPods, iPhone’s , iPads, mac computers (do you sense a theme there?) If we want to go somewhere, we are usually able to make it happen. If we want something, we are usually able to make it happen. We live a very blessed life and I am so thankful that this is our reality. A lot of that is due to Rob working so hard, hustling two jobs. He sacrifices sleep and time in the morning with our boy to make that happen.

Having another baby would change all that. Health insurance and daycare alone is about $1,000 per month, so you can imagine what adding another person to that would be. Not to mention, back to sleepless nights and 24 hour baby watch. Like I said, if I was to get pregnant, we would accept it and embrace it. But it would definitely change our lives.

I am constantly surprised at how many people ask when we’re having another one, and when I say “we’re not” they look shocked and almost appalled. Where does it say that all women must have two or more kids? I think it’s great that most people do have more than one child, but for us, we are more than overjoyed with just the one. Especially since I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to have any at all.

I guess the bottom line is this. I’d rather have one incredibly amazing child and give him all that we can and all that he deserves instead of multiple children who might have to go without because of the cost of living. Dom will have everything he needs to become a successful and educated young man. That will be one of greatest gifts we could ever give to him.

Maybe the pregnancy scare happened to remind me of how good our lives are. It made me think about how things would be different and what things would change. Now that I know I'm not with child, I especially appreciate how, we as a family, have found our rhythm. And it's a beautiful song that I am thankful for every day.

Chilly Mornings

Today was the first morning where it actually felt like October. It was dark outside and it was cold! Our house has single pane windows (which I hate) so you really feel the draft when there is one.

Once Dom woke up (at 5:45am..really?) I brought him into bed with me and we dived under the covers to get warm. He watched some videos on his phone while I tried to go back to sleep. Of course that didn’t happen. Between “Mommy, what happened to Lion King?” and “Come on Mommy, dance to Crazy Frog with me!” and "Mommy, let's go have brefas in the kitchen!" I realized I should just count my losses and get up. I can never be mad though, his little face and enthusiasm is kinda infectious.

We went into the kitchen so Dom could have his breakfast. As soon as he saw Sophie he greeted her with a “good mooooorning Woofie!” Today he asked for cereal. “Frankenberries and Captain Hurt please.” I don’t know why he calls Captain Crunch “Captain Hurt” but what I DO know, is that it’s the cutest thing ever. Sophie jumped up and put her paws on his tray so without missing a beat, Dom told her “knock it off Woofie!” Where doesn’t he get this stuff?

Phoenix Bound

Our trip to Phoenix was so much fun. Well, except t for the fact that the Cardinals lost. Boo. But other than that, it was an awesome two days. We arrived on Saturday and checked into our hotel, Hyatt Place. It’s was so nice. We had a little living room area in our room and a huge flat screen TV. Oh, and a free breakfast the next morning. Definitely my kind of hotel. And the best part? We scored it on Hotwire for $70!

I decided to scrap the one on one lunch with Moe since I knew she was nervous about it. She suggested that Rob join us so that’s what we did. I kept it way more light too. No need to dive right into the heavy stuff. We met up with Moe for lunch at 1pm and I’ll be honest, I was a little nervous. But as soon as I saw her, it was fine. Everything went really well and the three of us got along great, just as we always ddi. After lunch we went over to her apartment so Rob could hook up her TV and once again, felt like old times. It was nice to see her and know that we can be in the same room together without there being tension.

Later that night we met up with Melissa and her husband Mark. I’ve known Melissa since she was 14 and I was 16. She was Dimitri’s girlfriend back in the day, when he was 18. Yea, you read that right. Crazy huh? Her and I were really good friends, since we were close in age. We’d hang out together all the time, and after D and her broke up, we stayed closed for many years. We’d party all night and always have the best time. I’m not sure how we lost contact, I guess those types of things just happen.

We hadn’t seen each other in probably over 10 years so it was so great to catch up. She is so awesome and her husband is too. The guys totally hit it off, and the fact that he’s a die-hard Cardinals fan didn’t hurt things either. They live in Orange County but were out there for the football game like us. We ended up having such a fun night, catching up and hanging out until the wee hours of the morning. She really is one of those friends that you can go a lifetime without seeing and when you finally meet up, it’s like no time has passed at all. Now that we have reconnected, I’m looking forward to staying in touch and hanging out again soon.

The next morning we got up early, around 8:30am. I was dead tired, having gone to be bed only 5 hours earlier, but excited for the game. We had some breakfast, checked out of the hotel and made our way to the stadium. As time went on, I realized that I was little hung over. Oppsie. I guess 8 beers and 2 shots will do that. Quick stop for some Advil and a bottle of water and I started to feel better.

I cannot get over how many Steelers fans there was at the game. I think we may have been out numbered in our own stadium. They played great and we played not so great, so the result was a loss. But it was still fun to go and experience a live game.

We headed back to the airport right after the game ended to catch our flight. I was exhausted and ready to get back to my baby boy. He spent the weekend with Tina and Jorge so I know he had a blast. We got home just a little before 9pm and I was ready to crawl into bed and pass out. I’m really glad we went and were able to spend a weekend together out of town. Next up is San Diego next month to see Jason Mraz! YAY!

Sugery Complete

Dad’s surgery is over! Yay! They put in the third and final lead today and it went well. The hospital will probably keep him for a couple more days but then he’ll be able to go home. I’m so relieved that it went well and that it’s over. Dr Banker said he's very pleased with how it all went and although he is very consertive when it comes to prognosis and results, he feels confident that Dad will be feeling better and doing better within the next couple of weeks. Thank God!

Daddy's Heart Ache

There is no worse feeling than the thought of losing your parents. At least for me. That is the worst thing that could ever happen. The world, my world, would literally stop. It would come crumbling down and the recovery would be impossible. I couldn't imagine doing anything other than clsoing the curtains, crawling into bed, throwing the covers over my head and never coming out.

My parents are everything to me. Without them, nothing would make sense and nothing would go on. They are the foundation of our family, the strong pillars that hold us up through all the good times and the bad. They are they to wipe our tears and give us much needed hugs of encouragement. They are the ones we laugh with, share meals with, love to hang out with. They are my world.

About 2 months ago, my Dad found out he had some damage to lungs. It wasn’t life threatening, but it was something serious that needed to be checked on. In conjunction with that, he has started sweating buckets and having trouble breathing. Even doing something as simple as getting the mail would leave him gasping for air. His doctor said he’d be a great candidate for a pace maker. Most of them have 2 leads but the one that is recommended for my Dad has 3. It’s basically the Ferrari of pace makers. Naturally.

My Dad’s surgery was yesterday. I was so worried all day; it was hard to focus on anything else other than how he was doing. I was told it would take about 3 hours. After 4 hours I was beside myself that it wasn’t done. Why is it taking so long? What’s happening? After 5 long hours, Dimitri called me to say it went well and they were just sewing him up. I was so glad it went well, but the words I didn’t want to hear were “they’re just sewing him up.” I felt my body start to tremble.

When my Yia Yia died, it was a total shock. She had gone into surgery and we all waited anxiously to hear that it was done and she was ok. Someone called us, I can’t remember who, but they said it went well, and they are just sewing her up. We were all relieved, thank God, and went about our day. What felt like seconds later, the phone rang again. It was a phone call I wish never happened. My Yia Yia didn’t make it. She died on the table while they were trying to sew her back up. What? That’s impossible. You just said she’s fine. She’s fine. You must be confused. SHE’S FINE!

The world stood still and it sounded like I was underwater. People’s voices were muffled and everyone was moving so slowly as if they were in molasses. Even though I wasn’t saying a word, I was screaming inside. Sheer terror took over my body and I felt like I was going to die right there on the spot.

When Dimitri told me that Dad was fine, they were just “sewing him back up” my body had a physical reaction. It started to shake and I felt my knees begin to buckle. My heart started to beat out of my chest and I had to grab onto the dining room chair to hold myself up. Once I hung up the phone, I buried my head in Rob’s shoulder and sobbed. I was terrified that my Dad wouldn’t make it. I was terrified for the phone to ring and hear the unthinkable.

About 15 minutes later the phone rang. I stopped breathing until I heard Dimitri on the end tell me that Dad was all done and resting in his hospital bed. Thank God! They weren’t able to put the third lead in because his blood pressure dropped too low. Also, his white cell count was high, which indicated a possible infection. Right now they have him in the cardiovascular intensive care unit, running a bunch of tests to see why that happened. Hopefully tomorrow he’ll move to a regular room and Friday, they might go back in and try to put the third lead in. My Dad is really anxious to have it; he feels it will make a world of difference for him. His shortness of breath will stop and he can go back to living a normal life.

I couldn’t believe it when I found out that he spent most of the surgery awake. He was nervous about being put under for that long, so they gave him a light dose that allowed him to sleep for about two hours and then was awake for the next three. Wow! My Dad really is the bravest man ever. I’m so relieved that he’s ok and in really good spirits. I can’t wait for this all to be over so he can come home and his life can go back to normal.

Step to Reconnect

This weekend Rob and I are going to Phoenix to see a Cardinals game. I’m so excited and really hope that they will win. There is no better way to watch your team play than at home. The fans, the hoopla, it’s really fun.

Since we’ll be in Phoenix, I’m going to try and meet up with Moe and have lunch. I know that sounds like a very strange statement, but I realized that I need some kind of closure on our friendship. When I told her I was pregnant, obviously it was not a good reaction. There wasn’t a chance to explain anything or talk to her about it, so we went from being best friends to never talking again.

There was a brief moment during my pregnancy that I almost moved to Arizona. Rob had a good job and it just made sense. At that time, Moe and I spoke on the phone a few times and things actually seemed pretty good. She said she was looking forward to me moving out there and that it would be nice to hang out again. I felt hopefully that we could find a common ground and salvage even a little of what we used to have. In the end, Rob unfortunately got laid off and so he moved out here with me. Moe and I were never able to reconnect and even though things were ok between us, the void became larger.

After talking to Rob, I realized that I have a lot of unresolved feelings regarding our friendship. There was no closure in anyway. It just stopped, for obvious reasons. I don’t blame her one bit for feeling everything she did. Or still does. I have no idea how she feels now. So I decided to see if she wants to meet up for lunch while I’m in Phoenix so I can at least tell her I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt her and whatever else I can manage to say.

I’m terrified. Not because I’m scared of Moe. Quite the opposite actually. More because she was my best friend and I’m scared to see her and still feel that connection that we used to have. Scared because I know it won’t ever go anywhere. I want it to be totally awkward and uncomfortable when I see her. Because if it isn’t, it will be even harder to close the door on that friendship once and for all.

I Guess I'm Fine

I did blood and urine tests but the doctor said everything came back normal. My iron was a little low, but that’s it. He wants me to retest in 3 months. So that doesn’t really help explain why I feel like this and why I have gained so much weight in such a short amount of time. I hate feeling this way. I want to feel healthy and energetic again.

If the doctor can’t give me answers, I’m just going to have to suck it and go back to weight watchers. Hopefully whatever caused me to gain weight won’t stop me from losing it. I guess I’m going to have to work five times harder than before but I will do whatever it takes to get this 20lbs off my body. Even if it means going back to counting points and going to weekly meetings. I’m kind of dreading it already.

Shut Down

I’m in so much back pain right now I just want to crawl under my desk and go to sleep. My whole body feels like it’s shutting down on me and I can barely keep my eyes open. I would give anything to go home, crawl into bed and not move for at least 24 hours.

Back To Square One

I feel like shit. I’m exhausted at all time. My back is in a constant state of pain. None of my clothes fit like they used to. It would all make perfect sense if my next comment was that I was pregnant. But I’m not. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but hopefully my doctor can figure it out. I did a bunch of blood tests and now I’m just waiting for the results. The only one I have gotten so far is that I am not pregnant. Thank goodness.

I have found myself in a constant haze of sadness and frustration. I worked so hard to lose the 25lbs I shed last year, and now here I sit, carrying 20 of them back on my body. And I didn’t even get to enjoy it. If I had been able to not work out and eat everything I ever dreamed about for 6 months, I would understand the weight gain. But that’s not the case. I work out twice a week. I watch what I eat. How could I have possibly gained all this weight? It’s got me really depressed. I don’t look like I used to. I feel heavy. Uncomfortable. And I feel like a failure. All that hard work, down the drain. I hate feeling this way. I have got to get some answers from the doctor so I can make a plan. Regardless of the prognosis, I need to lose 20 lbs asap and keep it off for good. I liked how I felt then. Not so much now.

I'm just so tired of being in this vicious cycle. I takes a toll after a while, and I've been doing this my whole life. So now, the thought of having to get up and fight to get this weight off, yet again, seems impossible. I don't even know where to start. I'm overwhelmed and I haven't even started yet. I know 20 lbs to most people is nothing, but it took me a year to lose it last time and it wasn't easy. I can't even think about it or I will quit before I've even began.

Ok, day by day. That's how I will have to climb this mountain. I just want to be happy with myself again, happy with the way I look and feel. I hope I can dig deep enough to make this happen.

Holy Growth Spurt, Batman!

Oh happy day! Dom is finally fitting into 18 month pants. His legs have been there for at least 6 months but his waist has been stuck in 12 month zone. Lucky for us, it was summer so he spent all of his time in shorts. It rained and was cold for the first time in forever on Monday and it was decision time. Was Dom going to school in his 12 month jeans that fit around the waist but look like he’s waiting for a flood….or break out the 18 month pants (that we try every couple of months, but are always too big) and hope today is our lucky day. What’s that? Option 2? Ok ! I slipped them on, pulled them up and..woo hoo, they fit! Finally! He can wear pants that actually are the right length instead of rocking boy capris.

He’s got a long sleeve t shirt that Lanie got him; it’s one of my favorites. It’s all black with glow in the dark skeleton bones on the front. He wore it at the garage sale in August and fit him fine. This morning I put it on and the sleeves came up to his elbows, the hem rising up almost to his bellybutton! I guess he has a major growth spurt. Must be all the fruits and veggies he eats. It seems like I just went through all his clothes and took out all the stuff that didn’t fit. Now I have to do it again. Those 12 month t shirts and pants that he was getting by with no longer fit. He is easily wearing 2T shirts and can occasionally rock a 3T.

I can hardly believe how grown up my boy is these days. He talks in full sentences and sounds like a four year old. He’s really into movies, his favorites being Toy Story 3, Shrek (all of them,) Tangled and Up (this is a depressing movie but he likes it!) He’s also totally into watching the movie trailers for “Smurfs” and “Lion King 3D.” It’s amazing to watching him get his gabba phone (that's what he calls his iPod touch,) go to the Fandango app, find the trailer he wants, play it and also turn the volume up on the screen. Is that normal for a 2 year old?

This weekend we started to watch a documentary on Beavers, because Dom loves animals and wanted to check it out. This isn't a kids cartoon about beavers, it's a real deal documentry that you'd find on the National Geographic channel. And Dom loved it. Yesterday he kept saying, "Mommy, I watch the beavers!" How awesome is that?

He has a mild obsession with all things Toy Story so of course Rob and I are happy to oblige. He’s got the pajamas, clothes, books, sippy cups, a Woody doll, a tent and various characters from the movie. I can totally understand how parents go nuts on movie themed product and how the studios make so much money off it. It’s so awesome to see Dom’s face light up when he gets something that has his favorite characters.

It honestly feels like time is rushing by us. Part of me wants Dom to stay little forever. I love when he climbs up onto my lap and wants to snuggle. But I also love that he's able to hang in the living room by himself watching a movie so I can make dinner. The one thing I do know for sure? I'm the luckiest Mom in the whole world to have such a sweet and loving son.

Captain Crutches

I can hardly believe that it’s already October. How did this happen? Alexia and Luciano’s 1st wedding anniversary is this month! Is it really possible that they got married a whole year ago? Really? Wow.



I love this photo of Dom. His little crossed legs just kill me. Halloween is not too far away. I think this is going to be a really fun one for Dom. The past two years he has been a bit small to grasp the concept, but this year he is all about it. He spends days pouring over the costume catalogs that come in mail (see above photo.) Some of his suggestions so far have been Woody from Toy Story, Shrek or a Yo Gabba character. One thing he has down is saying "trick or treat." He has already told me "Mommy, I get candy say trick or treat!"

Rob has joined back onto a soccer team and they have played about 3 games so far. They play on Friday nghts and Rob is the goalie. He looks so cute in his uniform, I wish I could see him in action. I’m not able to go to the games because they usually start at 7 or 8 and Dom is in bed by 7pm. But I am always there in spirit.This is the condition he came home in on Friday night, hopping on one leg. He had jumped up to block a ball and came down on his ankle. Did I mention that he finished out the game? When he took his sock off, I almost passed out at how huge his ankle was. The swelling was so bad! The next day he used crutches to get around and one unusable leg didn’t slow him down. He took Dom and I to lunch and he even took me out that night! He had arranged to have Ally come over at 7:30pm and took me to a movie. It’s been so long since we went, I think “the hangover” was the last one we saw together.

We went and saw “What’s your number” with Ana Farris and it was really cute. It was kind of the perfect light hearted movie. She was extremely likable and genuine on screen and the story wasn’t so out there that you scoffed and rolled your eyes. It was the perfect date movie.

I love that Rob arranged that and surprised me. I know that’s not usually in his comfort zone, and is for the most part, totally unlike him. But it really showed me that he made an effort to do something nice for me and made me feel very special. That’s what it’s all about. Making each other feel loved and appreciated and he did just that. It was so nice to get out of the house for a few hours without a diaper bag and goldfish crackers to see a movie together. And the fact that Rob was on crutches but still wanted to go means even more. What a guy!