Doctors orders

Tomorrow will be three weeks that I have been on hospital bed rest. Add that to the week I did at home before I came here and I'm looking at a month total. Getting the good news last week about my cervix remaining at .9 cm was wonderful, but what I was really holding my breath about was the verdict from Dr. Diaz on if I could go home or not.

Well, I don't get to bust outta here right now BUT she did say if I haven't had the baby by 32 weeks, I would get to finally go home! Yay! I will have to remain on strict bed rest when I go home of course, but I'll take it! I am dying to go home and sleep in my own bed! Dr. Diaz also said that if I happen to make it to 34 weeks, that I don't have to be on strict bed rest anymore, but still have to be cautious and take things waaaaay easy. Basically, if I make it to 34 weeks it would be pretty amazing and it would be ok for the baby to be born. I of course would love to defy the odds and get to 35 weeks. You know, just to prove them wrong.

It's definitely making it a easier to deal with the time here knowing there's an end date. Although 2 weeks is still longer then I would have liked, I'm can't complain. I will just power through it and keep my chin up.

Lexi did the most amazing thing on Sunday! She came to visit me and brought Bella! yay!


I love that puppy, she got me through some really tough times while Rob and I were apart during the first half of my pregnancy. It's amazing what the unconditional love of an animal can do to lift your spirits. But, that's not even the most amazing part. You know how a while ago I blogged about growing to really dislike that boat painting in my room because I have to stare at it all day long? Well, she took care of that problem! My wonderful sister printed out a bunch of photos of my family and taped them over the painting, creating the most bad ass collage ever!

Bye bye boat!

The finished product
A close up view
Even the cupboard under the tv got the Lexi treatment:)
Bella hung out on the bed with me and was obviously exhausted from all the commotion lol

The new view from bed is so awesome now. It gives me the energy and focus to hold onto my sanity for two more weeks. I see all those smiling and loving faces and I'm reminded of how lucky I am in every way. Especially to have a sister as awesome as Lex that took time out of her busy schdeule to do something so fantastic. I love you babe!!!

over it

I would be absolutely fine if I never saw the following commericals again:
-----1-800 Dentist (that girl in the elevator is so smug and annoying)
-----El Pollo Loco (is it really necessary to always play them two at a time?)
-----Canada (the blair witch approach isn't very original)
-----Nutri-system with Valerie Bertinelli (yes, she looks great, but hello over kill)
-----Subway (that "$5 footlong song gets stuck in my head)

Oh how I miss my tivo.

Skillet

Big Day

Happy 30 weeks to me and the Cub! We made it! Yay! I got my cervix re-measured today and it's good news. Everything is still the same. Whooo hooo! I'm so relieved! The official numbers are cervix is still at .9 cm and I'm still 1cm dilated. Of course I wish it would have come back at 2.9, but yea, I guess that's a little unrealistic.

I know I have to be on mandatory bed rest until the baby is born, but I'm hoping I can do the rest of my sentence at home. I probably won't see my Dr. until tomorrow morning, and I plan on pleading my case to her. Chances are, she's not going to budge and make me stay in the hospital. Yea, she's kind of a stickler but I'll give it a shot.

I also got to see Cubby in a quick ultrasound. He looks so big and happy and just kickin' back. He's probably about 3lbs by now and his heart looks fantastic. It might just be because I'm his Mom, but I swear...he is such a cute kid! He's got these cheeks and a gleam in his eye....I'm so excited to be his Mom and to have him join Rob and I at home to complete our happy little family. I know it's going to be lots of hard work and many sleepless nights, but I'm excited to experience it all. I'm so thankful for a partner like Rob who I know is going to do such a great job at being his Daddy.

Next stop, 31 weeks!!!

Two for One

For my Skillet:

I'm here every step of the way.

You are not alone.
xo

Tomorrow

So tomorrow is the big day. It's "cervix measuring day." I'm really trying not to think about it too much, but in the back of my mind, I'm worried. What if it got smaller? It's too soon for him to come into the world. I know the Cub would be ok if he was born now, but he'll have to be in NICU until July, stuck with tubes and sleeping in an incubator. I don't want that for him.

In a way, it doesn't really matter what the outcome is. If my cervix has gotten smaller then .9, it means Cubby is on his way sooner then later and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. If I'm still at a .9, then he will stay in the womb longer and have more of a chance to grow strong and big. Either way, it is what it is. I'm trying to stay positive and hoping that my cervix will hang in there and give me until June. I'd be happy with June.

My big challenge is staying sane. It's been two weeks in the hospital now and although I am staying positive, I'd much rather be home. I can't stomach the food here much longer. I miss my animals. I miss sleeping next to Rob. I miss cable. To be honest, I'm really really ready for the whole bed rest thing to be over. Before it was just a mental obstacle that I had to overcome. Trying to stay focused and not be a sad sack feeling sorry for myself because I'm cooped up in the same room day in and day out. But now it's becoming physical also. My sides hurt from having to sleep on them. I can't sleep on my back because it cuts off circulation. My sides feel bruised and it's it getting tougher and tougher to find a comfortable position to sleep. My joints are starting to ache from being in a bed for three weeks straight. I try to do small exercises and stretches but it's not enough. I can't imagine having to do this for another month. But that's the funny part. I hope with all my might that I get to because it means a better chance of less complications for the baby.

So where does that leave me? It's a lot to ask, but I'm hoping there is a way we can compromise. Perhaps I can at least get released to finish bed rest at home, and that the Cub stays in there as long as possible.

In the meantime, I'm doing the best I can. Rob makes this whole experience much more bearable with his daily visits. He always seems to bring happiness and hope with him and it recharges my batteries every time. Lanie is awesome and brings me Ruby's and a ton of stimulating conversation. My Mom stops by every day with fresh fruit, her knitting and an update on what's happening in the outside world. Lexi brings her sunshine, flowers, magazines, candy and can always make me laugh so hard. Marcus and Megs always bring the most amazing flowers and tales of their fun and crazy adventures. Courtney brings my adorable nephews and her positive energy. Everyone that comes to visit brings something with them that helps in some small way. I'm so lucky to have all these people in my life and they all make a difference. The Cub is so blessed to be able to call these people his family because they will teach him so much. I can't wait for him to meet them all.....actually, I can wait...until at least June....

A Courtney-ism

My awesome and sassy sister Courtney came up with a new word today that I have to share with you. Chicks that dress skanky have a "whoredrobe!" Let's use it in a sentence shall we? "Crystal's whoredrobe is making us all look bad, what a skank!" Make sure you put it into rotation and get the new word out there!

clean hands

I'm definitly not a germ-a-phobe, but I think I want to put one of these in the cubs room at home. The price is great and better to be safe then sorry.

Same old

There is no new news to report. Cub is doing good, no contractions, still kicking away. I think they are going to measure my cervix on Thursday so that is kind of what I am holding my breath for. Thursday is a big day for me but I'm trying to pretend it's not. Just keep your fingers crossed I'm still at a .9cm and haven't gotten any smaller. I have been a model patient staying in bed, only getting up to pee and shower. I have kept my circulation socks on. I've tried to be in a laying position more then a sitting position, taking the pressure off my cervix. Hopefully it has all paid off.

Cubby is one active little guy, I can hardly believe how much and for how long he kicks me. It's a pretty amazing thing to experience. He's a real cheeky monkey too. When I put Lexi or Rob's hand to my belly to feel his soccer skills, he'll stop. I can just picture him freezing, trying to keep from laughing out loud, proud of himself that he made me look like a liar lol. Yea, pretty much just like his Mom. Tell him to do something and he'll do the opposite. My Mom said having kids was all about pay back and I think she may be right.

Tonight baby is totally fired up. He has been rockin and rollin in there for about three hours straight. He's been really low down all day, which makes it pretty uncomfortable to sit up, get off the bed, move etc. I started feeling a bit out of breath today which is pretty crazy since I'm not doing anything. But then I remember, oh yea there is a baby in my tummy. He lives in there and he's hanging out, doing his thing, banging up against my organs, stretching out, making room for himself. The kicks have been so incredibly strong tonight that they were almost a bit painful. Rob was finally able to feel really hard ones, the kind that can move your hand when its on my tummy.

The only thing cooler then feeling the baby move around is being able to share it with Rob. I'm excited and thankful and blessed to be taking this journey with him. I love and respect him so much and can already see what a totally kick ass Daddy he's going to be to our baby. I look at him and sometimes just can't believe how far we've come in such a short time and that I never doubted us for a second. I look at him and he makes my heart beat faster and instantly puts a smile on my face. It's crazy to lie together, feeling our baby kick and think..we did this...we made this.....he's part of us....

As much as I love feeling Cub kick, the downside is with him being so active is that I get tired a lot faster which makes getting my work done a bit more difficult. But he seems to be developing a pattern so I know for the most part when he will do his heavy kicking and when he naps. I think he's a creature of habit too. He is always on the same side when the nurse checks his heartbeat every day. He's always nestled way down on the left side of my tummy. I point to the spot, the nurse squeezes on the cold jelly and sticks the monitor where my finger is....instantly the room is filled with the sweet sound of his little heartbeat, always between 140-150. He's a good boy, staying healthy and safe.

I have been craving something and I have no idea what it is. Sometimes I think it's ice cream from Rite Aid, Double scoop of mint chip and butter pecan. Or is it rocky road and cookies and cream? Sometimes I think its mud pie from Baskin Robbins. I don't know why I can't put my finger on it but it's frustrating to not be able to just get in my car and try out all the options.

I never meant for this blog to turn into "Gina's day to day life on hospital bed rest." It must be so horribly boring to read about. I guess it's just that this is my world right now so I don't really have much else to share. I wish I could be blogging about the great dinner I made or how much fun Rob and I had when we went to fill-in-the-blank, or how nice it was to go get a manicure. Those entries will come again, but I'm afraid for right now, it's all about getting my blood pressure and temperature taken twice a day and how I'm having no contractions. Wowm, how much life can change in 7 months is crazy. But I have to say, I'm a happy girl. I have a family that is the best ever in the whole world, I have friends that have shown that they are truly the real deal and I have a man who I absolutely love and adore and who makes me so happy in every single way. Oh, and did I mention my son that is almost ready to come into the world and take it by storm? Yea, life is a lot more constricted these days, but it's still pretty awesome.

About Face

It's amazing how a facial can change your mood. My Mom and Sister came to see me today and brought lunch with them (mmhm Panera.) Just as we were finishing lunch, they had a surprise for me. They had brought in someone to give me a facial and wax my eyebrows. I had already kind of butchered my eyebrows but she was able to salvage some kind of shape. The facial was awesome, totally relaxing and soothing. I had been dying to get one because my skin has totally freaked out on me. I think it's mostly because of the hormones, but I'm sure the constant hospital air instead of sun or a natural breeze doesn't help. I thought you're supposed to have gorgeous glowing skin when you're pregnant? I certainly didn't get blessed with that, but I did get blessed with an amazing Mom and Sister who knew just what I needed on a day where I was feeling a bit sorry for myself.

Today

Some days are tougher then others.

Happy 29 weeks to us!

Yay! We made it to 29 weeks! With the week of lock down at home and the week and half here, I've got almost three weeks of bed rest under my belt! That's almost three weeks of keeping the Cub safe and sound inside his mud hut and him getting more time to grow big and strong.

I feel like I gained 20 lbs overnight. Last night he was really really low and every kick felt like he was kicking down the wall to get out. It was difficult to sit up or change positions in my bed. It was the first time that I felt super super super pregnant. The good news is that means, hopefully, that he's getting bigger and fatter and taller and stronger.

Monday is weigh day around here and when I got on the scale four days ago I was at 12 1/2 lbs gained. It will be interesting to see what I'm at next Monday. Not that before the bed rest I was out running or anything, but at least before I was walking around getting some kind of exercise. My trips to Target, cruising the isles, could probably have added up to a couple of miles each time. But since I have been on bed rest for almost three weeks with absolutely no form or exercise, I'm hoping I won't balloon up. So far, so good.

Rob brought me some clothes from home this morning (have I mentioned how awesome he is?) and I can't tell you how much better it feels to be in my own threads instead of the oversize itchy hospital gowns. Then my Mom came by with some goodies from Target! Just seeing the bag and pulling the clothes out one by one made me happy! She hooked me up with some really comfy and cute pj's and a couple of soft t-shirts. Is it sad that it totally perked me up and made me happy? I have to admit, I miss shopping. Not that I was even shopping so much any more, but at least going to the supermarket and buying groceries was enjoyable for me. Does that make me weird?

Happy Friday to all you guys. I hope you have big plans to go out and have a drink, or go out to dinner. To my family-have fun celebrating Courtney's birthday tonight! I will be there in spirit for sure:) Cubby and I are going to chill here and celebrate our 29 week victory with Hoag Hospitals version of filet mignon and a little 20/20 on the boob tube. Not too shabby if you ask me:)

Lock Down

This whole hospital bed rest thing is tough. I'm doing ok, hanging in there, but I have to be honest. this is so much tougher then you would ever imagine. I look out the window and life is just going on without me. My days are all same, my view is the same, my restlessness is the same. I'm itching to bust out of here, but know I have to stay put. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I live here now, as much as I'd rather be at the Jungle House. This is my home from the time being. My only salvation thus far has been that I get to go home at the 30 weeks mark. Yes, I'll still be on bed rest, but I'll be in my own home. I'll get to sleep next to Rob. I'll have cable. The more I thought about it, the more I was feeling better about the whole thing. It was a couple weeks out of my life and while frustrating, not the end of the world.

My ObGyn, who had been on vacation this whole time, finally came to see me on Monday and asked how I was doing. I told her I was fine, no contractions, no bleeding, no swelling, no cramping, no nothing, just an incompetent cervix. She told me that's good and to keep it up. I said "and I will get to go home at 30 weeks, right?" This is the part where my world came crashing down. (Yea, dramatic I know but hear me out.) She told me that she will probably keep me here. I said, "um ok, until when?" She said "probably until you have the baby." I couldn't believe it. How could this be? I'm not due until July! And it's only April! I mean, I know my chances of going to term are pretty much none, but still. My two weeks sentence has just been extended indefinitely.

Now more then ever I need to stay focused and positive. Friday will be my 29 week mark. My first goal is to reach 30 weeks safely, so I'm well on my way. My cervix will be remeasured next week and I'm praying that it has stayed at .9cm and not gotten any smaller. The best case scenario is that it got bigger, but I guess that doesn't really happen.

Thank goodness I have wonderful friends and family to keep me sane. They have all helped so much and I'm so grateful. Rob has been so great and without a doubt has gotten me to this point. He always makes me feel so calm and focused and hopeful, not to mention happy, overjoyed and completely smitten:) I'm definitely blessed in a big way and thank my lucky stars.

.

Just kickin' it

Here is what Babycenter.com has to say about what the cub is up to while kickin it in Mama's belly during this 28 week milestone: "By this week, your baby weighs two and a quarter pounds (like a Chinese cabbage) and measures 14.8 inches from the top of his head to his heels. He can blink his eyes, which now sport lashes. With his eyesight developing, he may be able to see the light that filters in through your womb. He's also developing billions of neurons in his brain and adding more body fat in preparation for life in the outside world."

Cubby is super dooper active. He loves to kick all morning and all evening long. Sometimes I can actually see my gown move. You can see how big some of the kicks are on my contraction monitor. I wear this 24 hours a day in case I start contracting in which case the nurses will be notified immediately. 99% of the time the print out looks like this:
See how the lines are flat for the most part, not a whole lot of activity? Well when he kicks me especially hard, it looks like this:

Yea, check out those spikes! I'm telling you, he's got some leg power. I think we have a future goalie in there, just like his Daddy.

Good job baby, stay inside and keep growing healthy and big.
Each day is a triumph and a blessing.

Randoms

I heard that we're having a heat wave outside. I love it when people say, oh your lucky to be inside! Um, yea, ok. It looks like a beautiful day outside my window. My room is nice and chilly, just the way I like it. My Mom is coming for lunch today and bringing me Eazy Take Out Burger..mmmhm....one of my favs. I'm watching the Bonnie Hunt show right now. What, you didn't know she had her own daytime talk show? Yea, me either, but her and I are becoming fast friends as there's not much else on tv at this time. I'm dying to take of my circulation socks, they are starting to dig into my skin and I feel slightly suffocated. It's Monday today, right? Hope everyone stays cool and has a good start to their week!

Puppy Love

There are just no words for how cute this puppy is.

"A Chihuahua puppy born in Japan with a natural heart shaped pattern on his coat has captured the hearts of animal lovers around the world.

Heart-kun, as he has been named by owner Emiko Sakurada, was born on May 18, 2007, one of a litter of puppies at the Pucchin Dogs shop.

His natural heart-shaped markings on his fur have made him an instant star in Japan. And it was a case of puppy love across the world as the tiny dog made television appearances worldwide.

Shop owner Ms Sakurada got the surprise of her life when she saw the birthmark heart markings in the fur of her tiny pooch. She said it was the first time a puppy with these marks had been born out of the 1,000 animals that she has bred."

I can't get over how sweet this little guy is!

A new day

So yesterday was a bit of a rough day, but I'm leaving it behind and moving forward. I'm going to try my best to think positive, stay busy and focus on keeping this little rug rat healthy and inside. I know it could be so much worse and I really have no room to complain. I am so thankful for my many blessings in life and thankful to have such a wonderful life. I guess sometimes it just gets to be too much and because I don't have any other outlet such as taking a walk, working out,changing my scenery, shopping, having a drink...or 5.....it gets to me a bit. But, thanks to my wonderful and amazing boyfriend, I'm re-focused, re-energized and feeling good. The power of love is an amazing thing.

rant

Not happy right now. I want out. Sick of being in the same room all day every day. Sick of looking at the same stupid picture of boats. Sick of not feeling a breeze. Sick of not being able to help out. I want to be home pricing my crap for the garage sale that Rob has to have by himself. I want to be at Church tonight celebrating Greek Orthodox Easter. I want to drive my car. I want to make dinner. I want to go out to dinner. I want to eat dinner anywhere but in this mechanical bed off a plastic tray. I want to put on pants. I want to play with my dogs. I want to fall asleep and wake up next to the man I love. I want to go to a movie and eat popcorn from the tub. I want to give my Dad a big hug and watch a movie on lifetime with him and Lexi and my Mom. I want to go out with Lanie and feel optimistic. I want to run errands with Rob and laugh my ass off. Yes, I know it's a lot of wants, and I'm being a spoiled baby right now. I don't care. I'm frustrated and sad and trapped and stuck. I want the tears to stop but they won't. But I have to protect the cub. That's my job. So here we go. Day five....

Drained

Today I had to retake the glucose test. They woke me at 6am and pricked my thumb to get some blood. I don't want to sound like a wimp, but it stung! Then I had to drink the orange Fanta drink again. I figured that was all, but no, there was more. First of all, this version of the drink was double the yuckiness. It was so sugary that really made me want to throw up. I couldn't eat anything for three hours, and I had to keep it down for three hours too. It was a struggle, but I made it.

Then they surprised me with the fun news that I was going to have three blood tests, one every hour. They drew blood from the top of each hand and then my arm. Feeling a bit like a pin cushion, I was relieved when it was all over.

The Cub has been kicking all day long, this makes for a very tired G. It must be all the sugar I had to drink this morning. He's finally calmed down, I'm sure he wore himself out!

Dinner tonight is filet mignon with baked potato....we'll see how it goes.

BOGO

Go here for this awesome Pick up Stix coupon!

I recommend the house special beef and garlic shrimp!

Quiet time

This is one of my favorite parts of the day. I get hooked up with a monitor to listen to Cubby's heartbeat. The TV is off, its silent in the room except for his presence, his quick little thump thumps filling the room. It's his way of telling me "I'm doing great Mom, don't worry!" I put one hand on my tummy and look at the window at the big world out there that has yet to meet him.

He's been so wild today, kicking and spinning and jumping and doing flips. It felt like 10 babies in there. His heartbeat is so sweet sounding. Like a real little boy who is mischievous and curios about the world, but loving and sweet and wants to cuddle with his Mommy. I wonder what he's thinking in there? Is he excited to meet me and his Daddy? He probably wants to put a face to all his cousins, aunties, uncles, Yia Yia, Bapou, doggies, kitties... Wow! He just kicked so hard that it startled me! I saw my hospital gown move! Yea, he's a little firecracker, just like his Mommy.

Even though this whole short cervix and bed rest thing isn't my favorite, it has given me a different view on him. I feel closer and more connected to him in there. I want to make sure he's ok and not feeling any stress. I picture what he will look like when he's born if he weighs 3lbs or 4lbs. I wonder how I will cope with him being whisked away as soon as he's born instead of being placed on my chest and covered in kisses. I know he's going to be ok. He's already a fighter. He's part of me and part of Rob. Two people that have fought hard for life. There is no doubt in my mind he will be strong willed and determined. I think he'll be book smart and street smart. He'll be funny and make people feel happy. He'll be athletic and powerful. He'll never be to old to give his parents hugs and kisses and say "I love you." He'll be respectful and responsible. He'll push his boundaries and stand up for what he believes in. He'll be a leader, not a follower. Or maybe he won't be any of those things. No matter what, he'll be exactly who he is, and I will love him to the moon and back.

Sweet Dreams

I feel so lucky to be overwhelmed by your love.

xoxoxo

Orange you glad it tasted ok?

I had my glucose test this morning, which is basically to see if I'm diabetic or at risk. I had to take pound this drink at 6:30 this morning so I was a little groggy at first. I had heard horror stories about how nasty the taste was and how difficult it was to keep down. It really wasn't bad at all. It taste like an extra sugary orange Fanta. The number to not go over is 140 and I came back at 153, but there is a good chance the steroid shots I took last week bumped the number up a bit, so they will redo the rest tomorrow morning. I really hope it comes back negative. If it doesn't then i will be put on a restricted diet while I'm here. Ugh, please no...don't take away the one thing I can still enjoy....MacDonald's french fries.....

Cabin Fever

It occurred to me today that I haven't felt fresh air in a few days. I was watching Jillian on Fox news this morning talking about the weather and I realized have no concept of its hot or cold, windy or dry. I sit here all day and stare out the window but feel no breeze, no chill, no sun. I have to not think about it because sometimes I have this overwhelming urge to chuck a chair through the glass just to feel something. Hmm..maybe I should keep that kind of information to myself...I don't want to be moved to a mental institution.

It's day three of operation bed rest. I'm thankful that I'm at Hoag. The nurses here are awesome, especially Wendy. I got to take a shower today, that was pretty exciting:) I'm really still trying to get a grip on this whole thing. I know for most it doesn't seem like it would be that big of a deal, laying around all day long doing nothing. But for me, it's torture. I'm a do-er. I like to get out there and get things done. I like to be social, I like to run errands, go get a manicure, go to the grocery store, go out to eat etc. I want to do laundry, cook, clean my house. I want to take my dogs to the beach with Rob, I want to go see my nephews, I want to go to Fashion Island and look at the puppies. It's a difficult adjustment to be one way and then forced to be the complete opposite.

One of the toughest things for me has been the evenings. It hit me last night that I will spend at least the next two weeks in this hospital bed alone, without Rob. My favorite thing ever is to fall asleep next to him and wake up next to him, and I can't have that right now. We have gone though so much to get to that point, and it seemed I only got to enjoy it for a split second before it was gone. Ok, ok, I know I'm whining right now, but this is my blog so get over it. I try and be strong but the tears come regardless. I let a few fall before sucking it up and shaking it off. I'll just blame it on the hormones.

I wonder how Jenna Jameson passed the time? She was here are Hoag for two months on bed rest. I bet she wasn't being a big ole baby like I am.

Committed

Hello. My name is Gina and I have an "incompetent cervix." Yes, its really called that. Nice huh? Basically what that means is I am now considered a high risk pregnancy and could go into labor at any moment. Yea, you read that right. I'm back in the hospital and looks like I'm staying put for a while. It's been a rough week so let me fill you in.

Tuesday, April 7th
Rob and I went our ultrasound appointment as scheduled. It was a totally random appointment as I had already had one and wasn't due for another but I wanted to get a better photo of the cub. The last time he was face down and we never got to see his face. My doctor was nice enough to humor us and let us go again, noting that they could use a better heart reading anyway. So basically, it was a totally fluke that we had this appointment. Everything looked good, we saw the Cub flailing his little legs around, opening and closing his mouth like a guppy, gobbling up the fluid surrounding him. He looked right at the camera and gave us the priceless shot above. Right at the end of our appointment, the nurse said she was just going to give my cervix a quick measurement, totally routine. As she was performing the exam, she had a concerned look on her face, but said nothing. She continued and that look on her face didn't go away. She finally told us that my cervix appears to be short and it might be cause for concern, but she would call my Dr. and let her make the call. Apparently. at this stage, my cervix should measure about 5 cm, 3 at the minimum. Mine was coming in at 1.3 cm. This became cause for concern because the shorter the cervix is, the higher risk for early labor. I was shocked and scared and not sure what was going to happen. My Dr. called in and told me I needed to go straight to Labor and Delivery and stay overnight to make sure i wasn't having contractions. I couldn't believe this was happening! Rob and I where escorted up to the 5th floor and I was admitted for the night. The IV was jabbed into my hand and monitors hooked up to my belly. My mind was racing, still trying to understand. I was fine. I felt fine, the baby was healthy, we were all good. All except for my cervix. Rob slept in the room with me that night and comforted me when my fear would start to take over. Thank God for him.

The next day my Dr. came to visit me, She said I didn't have any contractions through the night so that was good. But, I was still high risk so she was ordering me to bed rest at home for the next 9 weeks. What? I'm sorry, could you repeat that? Apparently, I had to stay in a sitting or lying position until 36 weeks because too much movement could make my cervix weaker and bam! It's baby time. I couldn't believe it and was instantly panicked, but at least I was going to go home. All I wanted was to sleep in my own bed.

I was completely depressed and gutted and couldn't believe this was happening. There was too much to do! The baby's room still had boxes in it. I had to keep working full time, I didn't want to be a prisoner in my own home. There was no worse punishment for me at that moment. I was so enjoying cooking and cleaning and taking care or Rob and I, it was finally something that gave me joy and purpose and a sense of worth. I felt so happy to cook dinner every night and make sure he always had clean socks and work shirts. Now that was being taken away from me. Now I had to sit in bed while Rob worked all day then had to come home and make dinner, tidy up the house, feed the animals. How is that fair? It made me feel like a failure, like a lazy good for nothing. I wanted to be able to take care of him, spoil him, make him feel special and loved, and it was all being taken away from me. Yes, I understand these are completely selfish statements, but I was still in shock and reeling from all the news. We finally had a sense of normalcy, routine...and now it was all going away.

I had to suck it up and deal with the situation. I settled in for bed rest and made the necessary adjustments. I set everything up so I could work part time from home. I would alternate from lying or sitting in bed to sitting on the couch. I got up only to pee or get something to eat or drink from the kitchen. It was so much tougher then I had ever imagined. People kept telling me, wow you're lucky, I'd love to be in your position. Please hear me when I say, don't say that. It's frustrating to hear because feeling 100% ok but not being able to do anything sucks so much harder then you could ever imagine.

Monday, April 13th
I had been on bed rest for almost a week at this point but got to leave the house for a dr's appointment. She gave me a test to check the cervix and we listened to the Cubs heartbeat, strong and healthy as ever. I got weighed, total of 12 lbs gained so far. Everything looked fine. So far so good.

Tuesday, April 14th
I had a 3:30pm appointment for a consultation and cervix measurement at a fetal health specialist, just to make sure everything is staying put. No big deal. Got a call from my dr about 2:45 pm saying my test came back positive. I asked what that meant exactly and was told there is a 30% chance of giving birth in the next two weeks. What. The. Hell. 2 weeks? That can't be. It's way too early. No, this isn't happening. Make it stop! I was instructed to go to my appointment that afternoon and get my cervix measured and they will decide what to do at that point. I did as I was told and kept my fingers crossed. Rob held my hand as we saw the Cub on the screen, happy and bouncy as always. Next it was time to get measured. I held my breath and prayed for the best. The news wasn't good. My cervix had gotten smaller. Last week it was 1.3cm and now it was .9cm. I was inching closer and closer to having this baby way before it was time. I was ordered to go straight back to labor and delivery, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

So here I am. I have been put on strict hospital bed rest until I get to 30 weeks, at that point they will re evaluate and go from there. They are hopeful I can make it to 30 weeks. That's two weeks away. That means lying in a hospital bed and only getting up to pee. 14 days. Confined to a bed. In a hospital. But I have to do this for the Cub. It's too soon for him to come out. I have been given two steroid shots to get his lungs developing in case I give birth now. Ideally they want me to get to 30 weeks. 32 would be incredible. 36 would be a miracle.

I never thought it would be like this. Of course I just expected a normal pregnancy with a normal delivery at 40 weeks. I never thought I'd be having a preemie. I never thought I'd be worrying about having a baby at 28 weeks along. Never thought I would be confined to a bed for an extended amount of time. But I guess that's just part of the journey. There will be lots of unexpected things that come up. And that's ok. I think this one is just so tough because there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can't tell my cervix to stop shrinking. I can't tell the Cub to ease up and wait it out. I have to just sit here and hope to God that I can make it to at least 30 weeks. Oh, and did I mention trying to keep my sanity during that time? I guess it's never too soon to start making sacrifices for your child. And just as I imagine it will be when he is finally here, there is nothing I won't do to make sure he's ok.

Lusting

May I present the Marc by Marc Jacobs "Strippy Zippy Groovee" bag.

I'm in love.
Big Time.

Today

Today I leave a chapter of my life behind. Today I look back and smile at the fun and joy it brought me, all the fond memories, all the good times (there are many.) Today I wish the best for him because he is a good man and I hope he is doing well. Today I am proud of myself for standing up, taking a chance, believing in ME. Today I admire my strength to push my way through all the conflict, turmoil and angst, never losing focus on the what I knew was the right thing to do. Today I still have no regrets, even though I lost friends I loved as if they were my own family. Today I feel blessed to have the family and friends that surround me and got me to this point. Today I feel accomplished and brave and empowered. Today is a new day, a new chapter that I thought would never get here, not with me in one piece anyway. Today is my independence day. Today only one man holds my heart, and I feel overwhelmed by my love for him and our son. Today I am back to being a Cretikos.

Toughie

This is a really, really hard one to follow. Not blaming myself isn't something that comes easily to me. It makes it doubly hard because most people find this reasoning unacceptable. For them to be ok with the split, there has to be something much more dramatic. Lying. Cheating. Abuse. To have to try and justify otherwise isn't something that anyone should ever have to do. The truth of the matter is, sometimes it really is as simple as...it just didn't work out.

Four Eyes

I'm in need of new eye glasses badly. I got a pair a couple of years ago that I loved, they were Chanel. Ok, ok, they were more like "Chanel." I got them off Ebay and as it turned out, the frame was wonky and the arms were waaaay wide, so they kept sliding off my face. Because of this, I never wore them. Money down the drain. Ouch.

This time, I'm prepared to pay the price for REAL glasses, not fakery glamour. I have fallen in love with these, but as you'll notice there is no price. This usually means a whole lotta bank rolls. And plus, they're Oliver Peoples. Oliver Peoples is not in my budget. I could try and find them on Ebay, but hello, that's what I did last time and I just told you how that worked out.

I think it's important to try the glasses on before I commit myself to buying them. I want them to look good on my mug. I want them to have a rockabilly feel to them. I like black and for some reason, bulky. I will need to take Lexi with me, she knows best what looks good. I guess I will keep searching for a less expensive alternate.

Eff My Life

If you think you're having a bad day, this website might make you feel a little bit better about things. Here are some highlights:

'Today, while showering, my 3 year old son comes to the bathroom and puts on all my makeup. Once I got out of the shower, I got a camera I had and took a few adorable shots. Afterward, I sent the images to all my friends and family. Then I realized the reflection on the mirror was me fully naked. FML

Today, my husband and I were watching TV. An info-mercial came on for a diamond cross necklace that had the lord's prayer engraved inside of it. As the commercial ended I said, "who in their right mind would actually buy that?" Turns out, my husband would, for our anniversary. FML

Today, I woke up a little after seven. I felt sick to my stomach because last night was my bachelor party and I drank more than I ever have before. I checked my phone, and I had received 42 missed calls. It was seven o'clock pm. Today was my wedding day. FML

Today, my boss came up to my desk to talk about a new project. He came up to my monitor so we can go to a website. My browser had frozen and I couldn't close it. The tabs I had open: Facebook, Gmail, Careerbuilder, Monster, and Resume Samples. FML

Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having sex. FML

Today, it's my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate to Itunes. It came for free with the iPhone they just bought my sister for her middle school graduation. FML

Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says. "I'm finally going to tell her I love her!" I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'm Kayla. FML

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML

Today, my fiancee broke up with me. Via a myspace message. While we were in the same apartment. FML

Today, I was sitting beside this cute guy on a bench. Suddenly, he goes, "I know we don't know each other very well, but would you like to have dinner on Saturday?" I turn to him with a goofy smile, and exclaim "I'D LOVE TO!" He gives me a weird look, turns his head and points to his Bluetooth. FML

Today, is my brothers 16th birthday. He got keys to the Lexus. I'm 18, have no car, and got pajama pants and chapstick for my birthday. FML

Today, my cell phone broke. It wouldn't even turn on. I went online to access my account so that I could order a new phone. I couldn't remember my password. The phone company had an option of "forgot my password". Upon clicking I get a message saying "Your password will be sent to your phone". FML'

Want

I'm crushing kinda hard on these shoes.
That's all.

XOXO

Burning up

I have officially entered the third trimester! Wow! I have to get the cubs room in order. Still so many boxes to go through and organize. I can't believe there is only 93 more days to go. I'm officially 67% done and I'm happy to report that I'm feeling great. Well, there is one thing. Heartburn. Oh. My. Gosh. I have never had it before and didn't know what was happening when I was sitting at work the other day and suddenly my throat was on fire. It felt like it was creeping up esophagus and flames were going to come shooting out of my mouth . I turned to Tina to diagnosis me and that's when she told me (while laughing at me) "yep, that's heartburn." That is not a fun thing. In fact, that's the opposite of fun!

Here's the deal, according to babycenter.com : "Heartburn (also called acid indigestion or acid reflux) is a burning sensation that often extends from the bottom of the breastbone to the lower throat. It's caused by some of the hormonal and physical changes in your body.

During pregnancy, the placenta produces the hormone progesterone, which relaxes the smooth muscles of the uterus. This hormone also relaxes the valve that separates the esophagus from the stomach, allowing gastric acids to seep back up, which causes that unpleasant burning sensation.

Progesterone also slows down the wavelike contractions of your esophagus and intestines, making digestion sluggish. Later in pregnancy, your growing baby crowds your abdominal cavity, pushing the stomach acids back up into the esophagus."

Good times on that. But honestly, I know it could be a whole lot worse. Considering I'm in my 6th month and haven't had any big problems, I'll take the heartburn like a champ.

My Horoscope for today

"You won't be able to avoid a confrontation that's right around the corner, yet rushing into it prematurely won't necessarily help. It may be better to let the tension build until it reaches a critical mass on its own. Don't push for resolution today or you might stir up more of a hornet's nest than it's worth. Paradoxically, your intentional avoidance of a troublesome issue can be just as dangerous. Allow feelings to surface naturally without judging any of them as right or wrong."

Hmm.....very interesting.....

Denny's gives it away

On Wednesday, April 8, from 6 a.m. until 2 p.m. the chain will give diners a free Grand Slamwich — a new breakfast offering.

Here’s how to get in on this freebie: Bring a friend to Denny’s during that time frame, and when one of you orders a Grand Slam. Denny’s will then give you or your friend the new Grand Slamwich for free. That’s it.

Like last time, there will be lines out the door. I guess you have to ask yourself how badly you want a free meal.

Why are they doing this? “It’s a random act of kindness the company hopes will spread across the country,” Denny’s said of its promotion

Why can't Target have this kind of promotion? I'd be lined up for that one!

A three-fer for my Skillet

Already growing up so fast

I can't believe how much the cub is kicking these days. I'll be sitting at my desk and bam! bam! bam! He's got rhythm, I can already tell. His kicks are always in groups and feel like they would make a good base line. Sometimes when Rob and I are talking about him, he knocks on my tummy as if to say "hi guys! I can hear you!"

At just over 26 weeks, it shouldn't be so shocking that he's so active as he's an actual baby now instead of a little tiny blob the size of grape. I guess I'm just still in total awe. At our last ultrasound we weren't able to get a really clear picture of him. He was being stubborn and stayed in one position most of the time, as you can see above. So although it was rad to see him in the Baby cub position, taking a nap with his little bottom in the air, we didn't get to see any clear features other then his foot.

I have kind of been imagining him as still kind of fetus like, small with webbed fingers and looking more like a shrimp. But clearly, I have been in denial. With him playing soccer inside his mud hut so much, I wanted to get a better idea of his size and progress. Well, I can hardly believe it, but here is what the cub is supposedly looking like at this stage of the game.


Wow! Wow! Wow! That's a real life baby! He's got fingers and toes and eyebrows and everything! It's so surreal to think that there is a human life inside of me, maxin' and relaxin'...just kickin it until it's time to make his appearance. To experience this is incredible. To feel the kicks is mind blowing. To know that he'll be here in three short months is unbelievable.

Our next ultrasound in on Tuesday and I'm really hoping he'll be chillin' on his back this time. I'm dying to see his little profile....

A piece of me

I love quotes. I especially love pictures of quotes. Weird? Yea, maybe, but they have always helped me get to the next day, hour, second of my life. They have somehow always pulled me out of a funk or brought me to my next level of joy. If I hear or see something that means something to me, or would maybe mean something to someone I know, I snatch it up. I save it somewhere. I tuck it away into the corners of my mind and pull it out when I need to get a point across that I'm not able to. A lot of the time, they are personal messages to me, to remind myself that I am human. I'm in my own skin and I'm living this life in the most honest way I can. I'm trying my best. Not everyone will be on board with me, but I can't let that stop me find my path to happiness. These say all the things I couldn't or can't. I'm going to share a lot of these quotes with you on this blog, maybe posting one a day. Some are relevant today. Some saved my sanity over the course of the past 6 months. Some have helped me dig deep and get real with myself over the past 12 months. Some are a beacon of light I am shining for someone in my life. A direct message to them, letting them know I'm here for the them, I understand. Some are just for fun. I hope you find peace, comfort and reflection in them as I have.

Have to do it

Free Birthday Stuff

Disneyland is offering free admission on your birthday during 2009 to one of the Theme Parks of the Disneyland® Resort.

It’s only free for the person celebrating their birthday, but if you are going to Disneyland anyway, you may as well take advantage of the free ticket. You will need to sign up in advance.

http://disneyparks.disney.go.com

Join the Coldstone Creamery birthday club. They want to help you celebrate your birthday by giving you one FREE Creation! That’s right, free ice cream just because you had a birthday.

To join their birthday club, simply go to their website listed below and create a My Cold Stone account, which allows you to tell them when and how you’d like to hear from them.

www.coldstonecreamery.com/birthday/birthday_club.aspx

Sign up for Baskin Robbins birthday club and you will receive a free 2.5 ounce scoop of
ice cream on your birthday. Once you sign up, they will send you an email 5 days before your birthday to take into your local Baskin Robbins store.

www.baskinrobbins.com/BDayClub/RegisterInfo1.aspx?icid=bdc_000066