Back To Square One

I feel like shit. I’m exhausted at all time. My back is in a constant state of pain. None of my clothes fit like they used to. It would all make perfect sense if my next comment was that I was pregnant. But I’m not. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but hopefully my doctor can figure it out. I did a bunch of blood tests and now I’m just waiting for the results. The only one I have gotten so far is that I am not pregnant. Thank goodness.

I have found myself in a constant haze of sadness and frustration. I worked so hard to lose the 25lbs I shed last year, and now here I sit, carrying 20 of them back on my body. And I didn’t even get to enjoy it. If I had been able to not work out and eat everything I ever dreamed about for 6 months, I would understand the weight gain. But that’s not the case. I work out twice a week. I watch what I eat. How could I have possibly gained all this weight? It’s got me really depressed. I don’t look like I used to. I feel heavy. Uncomfortable. And I feel like a failure. All that hard work, down the drain. I hate feeling this way. I have got to get some answers from the doctor so I can make a plan. Regardless of the prognosis, I need to lose 20 lbs asap and keep it off for good. I liked how I felt then. Not so much now.

I'm just so tired of being in this vicious cycle. I takes a toll after a while, and I've been doing this my whole life. So now, the thought of having to get up and fight to get this weight off, yet again, seems impossible. I don't even know where to start. I'm overwhelmed and I haven't even started yet. I know 20 lbs to most people is nothing, but it took me a year to lose it last time and it wasn't easy. I can't even think about it or I will quit before I've even began.

Ok, day by day. That's how I will have to climb this mountain. I just want to be happy with myself again, happy with the way I look and feel. I hope I can dig deep enough to make this happen.