What I Need

Perfection in a relationship is not only impossible, but unhealthy. It’s the times you disagree that in a way, bring you closer. It teaches you both how to work together to come to a resolution, and that always feels so fantastic. You are both different people with your own opinions and it would be unbelievable if you agreed on absolutely everything.

I think the key to having different opinions and still loving each other is to be supportive, calm and open during a disagreement. Never make the other person feel like they are wrong, just because they think differently than you. And never have an “it’s my way or nothing” type of attitude. Nothing rubs a person wrong faster than that.

For me, it’s all about tone. Tone, tone, tone. You can say something with a forceful tone, tinges of anger and frustration leaking out and you might as well lock me in a box and throw away the key. My defenses are instantly up. I start the complicated and exhausting dance of putting my “fists” up and letting you know you can’t take me down, while at the same time feeling crushed and hurt and trying to pick myself up off the floor. I won’t take shit from anyone but I’m also sensitive and have a hard time not taking things personally. Those are not the best combination.

Now say the exact same thing in a gentle, loving manner and you have me in the palm of your hand. It’s really that simple.

Compassion is a very important thing to me. If you don’t have compassion, there is an element that will be missing when you argue or disagree. It becomes a dog fight. You will crush your partner’s heart like a tin can. You don’t care how the other person feels, you’re fighting to win. It may not feel that intense to you, in fact you may feel calm and in control. This is the moment when you need to realize it’s not all about you. There is another person in the room. Look at them and ask yourself what you’re doing to their spirit. Ask yourself how your words and actions are affecting them.

But if you don’t have any compassion, those questions never enter your mind. You’re blinded by your own beliefs and conviction, even if the other person isn’t questioning them. You don’t take a breath to say “I’m hurting someone I love, that’s not right.” You just keep verbally swinging until you have knocked the other person out. But what have you accomplished? Do you feel victorious that you “won?” What about the person you “care” about that feels destroyed? This is why compassion is so very important. It shows that you care about more than just yourself. It shows that you can put other people before you. It shows you have a heart and that you feel something.

I’m pretty easy to win over in an argument. Talk to me, don’t lecture me. Be open, not closed off in your own world with your own rules. Be my equal, you’re not better than me. If you know I'm having a hard time with something, help me. Offer what you can. Don't sit there and let me squirm. When all else fails, put your arms around me and pull me close. I’m a sucker for a snuggle.