I have worked for my Dad for six years and for the past year, my hours were cut to part time. Business is slow and the economy still stinks so everyone is feeling the pinch. It's actually been a blessing because I have been able to spend a lot of time with Dominic for his first year of life. I got to see him crawl for the first time, take his first steps, say his first word. I supplemented my income by participating in a work share program through the government. They basically paid a portion of my wages for the days that my hours were cut. It's worked out great and I'm thankful that opportunity was there.
But unfortunately, it's come to an end. I knew it would, but I was anticipating it being at the end of December. Turns out, I used up the annual maximum per person and so my last check was in September. The worst part? I got no notice, no warning. The checks just stopped coming. Now I'm out $1,000 per month and have to figure out a solution asap. There is a slight chance I can reapply and still get some finanical assistance, but it won't be as much as before. I'm going to submit my paperwork and see what happens though.
I was dreading telling Rob because he works so hard and we were finally at a place where things were going pretty good. The bills were getting paid, we went out to eat a couple times a month, Dominic had a full bounty of toys and new clothes. I was nervous to tell him that now I have lost half my income because I didn't want him to be stressed out and upset. After really thinking about why I was nervous, I figured it out. I really wanted Rob to say "it's ok babe, I got this, don't worry." I wanted him to swoop in and save the day. I wanted him to save me.
I have never been "saved" by any man except my Father. My Dad has been the only man I have ever truly trusted 1000% to be there for me no matter what. I never doubted that if I fell, he'd pick me up without even blinking. I could count on him until the end of time. I always felt that no matter what happens in this life, I can turn to my Dad to make it all better. No judgement, no making me feel bad about it....just love. Maybe that's an unfair expectation for another man to compete with. Big shoes to fill. Maybe I set myself up to fail on that one.
Not once has a man that I have been in a relationship with ever come in and saved the day. I have always either paid the way for both of us, or split things down the middle. I'm not saying I want someone to totally support me for the rest of my life so that I can sit around and do nothing...I pride myself on being independent and always taking care of myself. But I wonder what it would be like to not worry about money all the time.
I was so caught up in wanting Rob to "save the day" when I told him about the news that I totally lost focus on the actual problem at hand. We can't afford for me to work part time. That's a no brainier. I need to bring in more money. That's a given. Why did I think, even for a second, that this wasn't the case? It's not Rob's responsibility to make the extra $1,000 appear out of no where. He's already working two jobs. The truth is I just wanted to feel taken care of by my man and have him miraculously come up with a solution and the extra money. I feel sort of ashamed to admit that, because that's so not who I am. I have never expected anyone to carry me, so why was I yearning for that response?
I finally snapped out of it and remembered that this is the real world. I had to pull my head out of the clouds and refocus. Rob and I are a team. We both need to be pulling our weight. As much as I love and cherish my my never ending and tireless job as a Mom and as a "wife," it's a non paying gig. So even though I know I'm working my ass off all day every day, unless someone is cutting me a check, it's not going to fly.
The best part about all this is, when I told Rob, he wasn't mad or upset. He didn't make me feel bad about it. He was logical in his thinking and actually made me feel better about the whole thing by talking to me about it in a calm and interested way. It turns out he did make me feel taken care of... by reminding me that we are a team. We're a family and we do this together.
My plan is to ask my Dad for more hours. I'm not sure it's even a possibility, but it's worth a shot. Plan B is to find a new job, which I (and my Dad) would be heart broken about. The other sad fact is that my baby will have to go to daycare full time. That means our Monday and Friday time together is a thing of the past. I'll miss spending the day with him, running our errands, going to the park etc. But I'm thankful I got to spend his first year with him, watching him hit all his milestones with flying colors.
This is all part of the journey and we'll get through it like we always do.
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