When life is good, it seems like it might have always been that way. When life is joyous and goes in a direction that feels good, the dark days seem to fade away. That’s the beauty of being happy. Content.
Making change in your life can very often shake up those around you more than you yourself. When I told my family I was getting a divorce, they were flabbergasted. They all thought I was crazy and just being over dramatic. I think they really felt a sense of panic. For me. For them. I don’t blame them. Divorce is a scary word. I’m sure to them it came out of nowhere, but it never really does. Lanie and I were talking about that the other day. You see married couples and they seem so happy and put together. They seem like they have it all figured out. But the truth is, you have no idea what happens when they get home. You have no idea how they are really doing as a couple. As partners. And when you find out someone is splitting it, it’s always such a shock. But the truth is, if it’s come to that, there was probably something going wrong for a while.
The overall feeling I got when I shared my news was it felt like they thought I was giving up. I was turning my back on my marriage without even trying. They had never seen us fight or be angry at each other. They had never seen me crying because he was mean to me. Those things never happened. But it’s not always a mean spirit that breaks up a marriage. Sometimes things just fall apart on their own.
We had a good life. A beautiful home. Lots of friends. Trips, parties, celebrations. I wasn’t unhappy, in fact far from it. I was having the time of my life. But amongst all the good times, there was something was missing. And we both knew it. Passion. Chemistry. Most people think that’s not enough reason to walk away from such a perfect life. And maybe their right. But for me, all that good stuff couldn’t fill me up. There was always something missing. No matter how much I partied, drank, danced, shopped etc..there was always a something that didn’t feel quite right. When it was time to go to sleep, and I’d lay my head on the pillow, staring into the darkness. The silence was deafening and I had nothing left to distract me.
Making change in your life can very often shake up those around you more than you yourself. When I told my family I was getting a divorce, they were flabbergasted. They all thought I was crazy and just being over dramatic. I think they really felt a sense of panic. For me. For them. I don’t blame them. Divorce is a scary word. I’m sure to them it came out of nowhere, but it never really does. Lanie and I were talking about that the other day. You see married couples and they seem so happy and put together. They seem like they have it all figured out. But the truth is, you have no idea what happens when they get home. You have no idea how they are really doing as a couple. As partners. And when you find out someone is splitting it, it’s always such a shock. But the truth is, if it’s come to that, there was probably something going wrong for a while.
The overall feeling I got when I shared my news was it felt like they thought I was giving up. I was turning my back on my marriage without even trying. They had never seen us fight or be angry at each other. They had never seen me crying because he was mean to me. Those things never happened. But it’s not always a mean spirit that breaks up a marriage. Sometimes things just fall apart on their own.
We had a good life. A beautiful home. Lots of friends. Trips, parties, celebrations. I wasn’t unhappy, in fact far from it. I was having the time of my life. But amongst all the good times, there was something was missing. And we both knew it. Passion. Chemistry. Most people think that’s not enough reason to walk away from such a perfect life. And maybe their right. But for me, all that good stuff couldn’t fill me up. There was always something missing. No matter how much I partied, drank, danced, shopped etc..there was always a something that didn’t feel quite right. When it was time to go to sleep, and I’d lay my head on the pillow, staring into the darkness. The silence was deafening and I had nothing left to distract me.
Do I just stay where I am spare the hurt feelings and shocked whispers? Or do I get truly honest with myself and brave the fall out that would surely come with my decision? I don’t think anyone understood how terrifying it is to make a decision like that. What if I’m alone for the rest of my life? What if I never find this connection that I’m yearning for? Is it better to just stay in my marriage and come to terms with the fact that not everyone has passion, chemistry and a perfect relationship? But the truth was, I wasn’t looking for perfect. I was looking for that deep connection. Something that tied my heart to someone elses. I thought time would fix it, but it didn’t. Fear of the unknown was staring me in the face.
Once the news was out, people were (as predicated) shocked. And there was fallout in the biggest way. But there was also support. My family didn’t understand and probably didn’t agree, but they were right there. They had my back, regardless of how upset they were. 95% of my friendships disappeared, but two stuck by me. No judgment. No trying to talk me out of it. Just there for me.
I think over time it became clear to everyone that I was never giving up. It’s actually the opposite. It’s about not giving up, especially on yourself, and just having the guts to start over. Finding happiness within yourself is truly difficult and something we all strive for. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done, but it was worth it. Things I wasn’t sure I’d ever have are now all mine. A good man who I’m totally in love with, a precious baby boy who is my whole world and a drive and motivation within myself to be the best that I can be.
Once the news was out, people were (as predicated) shocked. And there was fallout in the biggest way. But there was also support. My family didn’t understand and probably didn’t agree, but they were right there. They had my back, regardless of how upset they were. 95% of my friendships disappeared, but two stuck by me. No judgment. No trying to talk me out of it. Just there for me.
I think over time it became clear to everyone that I was never giving up. It’s actually the opposite. It’s about not giving up, especially on yourself, and just having the guts to start over. Finding happiness within yourself is truly difficult and something we all strive for. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done, but it was worth it. Things I wasn’t sure I’d ever have are now all mine. A good man who I’m totally in love with, a precious baby boy who is my whole world and a drive and motivation within myself to be the best that I can be.
SO.PROUD.OF.YOU!
ReplyDeleteI love you.
always.
no matter what.